Redefining Family: Embracing Ubuntu and Gaga Feminism in Queer Chosen Families
Iam because we are
In the sprawling, old house where Alex and Jordan live, mornings begin with the rich aroma of coffee brewed in a large, well-worn pot that’s never quite empty. The house, with its peeling paint and creaky floorboards, buzzes with the quiet energy of its inhabitants. On any given day, you might find Mara, a freelance graphic designer and one of the housemates, lounging in the sun-drenched kitchen, sketchpad in hand, while Jamie, who teaches yoga, stretches in the spacious living room that doubles as a makeshift studio.
This morning, like many others, Alex joins Jordan at the large, rustic dining table that’s a patchwork of scribbles and coffee stains. They discuss their plans for the day, their voices mingling with laughter from the garden where Sam and Casey, two other members of this eclectic family, are experimenting with growing vegetables and herbs. The garden is their latest project — a green oasis in the middle of the city that brings them all a sense of connection to the earth and each other.
As they talk, the house feels alive with the possibility of the day ahead. It’s a place where each family member’s uniqueness is accepted and celebrated. Alex and Jordan chose a family where identities mesh and diverge in beautiful and unexpected ways, creating a mosaic of relationships and reciprocity that are interconnected as they are fiercely independent.
This is more than just a living arrangement; it’s a dynamic, breathing embodiment of the philosophy of Ubuntu: “I am because we are.” In this family, personal stories intertwine, forming a vibrant community that serves as a testament to the power of chosen bonds- lovers, friends- over biological ones.
For many people in the global north, the dream of a nuclear family — complete with 2.3 children and a white picket fence — represents the ultimate achievement in life. However, for Alex, Jordan, and their extended family, this ideal felt more like shackles than symbols of success. They found this normative societal expectation suffocating and unrealistically idealistic reminiscent of what cultural theorist Lauren Berlant describes as “cruel optimism” — the pursuit of a goal that curbs genuine happiness.
Reframing Relationship Goals Through the Worldview of Ubuntu
Ubuntu comprises a set of moral values: reciprocity, the common good, peaceful relations, human dignity, the value of human life, consensus, tolerance, and mutual respect. The “philosophy of Ubuntu” is a fusion of normative ideas that help shape beliefs, attitudes, and practices in sub-Saharan Africa. These moral values include valuing communal relationships, harmony, hospitality, social cohesion, friendliness, compassion, and interdependence- offering a framework for understanding Alex and Jordan’s family structure.
Desmond Tutu made Ubuntu prominent in post-Apartheid South Africa when he chaired the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. He acknowledged the difficulties of defining Ubuntu by stating:
“Ubuntu is very difficult to render into a Western language. It speaks to the very essence of being human. When we want to give high praise to someone we say, “Yu, u nobuntu.”; “Hey, he or she has ubuntu.” This means they are generous, hospitable, friendly, caring, and compassionate. They share what they have” (Tutu 2009:34).
In Western cultures, there is often an emphasis on individual achievement and the nuclear family. However, Ubuntu presents an alternative view that fosters communal well-being above individual success. This philosophy is particularly resonant in LGBTQ+ communities, where traditional family models often exclude or marginalize non-conforming relationships.
In the heart of Alex and Jordan’s household, the Ubuntu philosophy is not just an abstract ideal but a lived experience that permeates every aspect of their daily life. The principle of consensus, for instance, is a cornerstone of their decision-making process. Whether it’s about adopting a new pet, rearranging the living spaces, or even deciding on movie nights, each household member is given a voice, and no decision is finalized without a thorough discussion that honors each perspective.
Mutual respect is another Ubuntu value vividly manifested in their interactions. This respect is particularly evident in how the chores around the house are decided and managed. Recognizing that each person has different capacities and preferences, chores are assigned not by imposition but through open conversations where each family member’s preferences and time constraints are considered; this ensures that no one feels overburdened or undervalued, thereby fostering a sense of fairness and dignity.
Rituals also play a significant role in reinforcing Ubuntu values within the household. One of these rituals is their weekly “Family Meeting,’” a dedicated time where the family gathers to share personal updates, discuss and resolve issues, or catch up on each other’s lives. It’s a ritual that keeps the lines of communication open that strengthens their bonds of family, community and belonging. These meetings often end with a communal meal, prepared together in the kitchen, as a physical and symbolic act of unity and interdependence.
On a more informal level, the practice of the “Ubuntu Greeting”— a personalized morning ritual where each household member takes a moment to genuinely inquire about the others’ well-being — serves to reinforce their interconnectivity. This daily practice, inspired by traditional greetings in many African cultures that emphasize seeing and recognizing each other’s humanity, helps to start each day by reaffirming their shared humanity.
However, a serious challenge with Ubuntu as personhood or human identity is its masculine and patriarchal leanings resulting in Ubuntu being “exclusive and discriminatory”.
To quote Desmond Tutu once more in order to ground my argument in the good will of the worldview of Ubuntu , Tutu (2009:34–35) states:
“Ubuntu … means my humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in theirs. We belong in a bundle of life. We say, “a person is a person through other people”. It is not “I think therefore I am”. It says rather: “I am human because I belong.” I participate, I share. A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good; for he or she has the proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole, and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are.”
The concept of Ubuntu as described in the quote above by Desmond Tutu emphasizes the importance of community interconnectedness and supportive relationships. It is anti-individualism and stand against detachment, promoting a spirit of togetherness, collaboration, and social integration. At the heart of Ubuntu is the idea that life is best understood within a broader family network, reflecting the essential role of relationships in defining existence.
Embracing Community-Centric Intimacy: Queer Failure
The idea of “queer failure,” as theorized by Judith Halberstam, challenges traditional notions of success — such as marriage, procreation, and career milestones — which often align with cis-het values. In queer theory, failure isn’t necessarily a negative outcome; rather, it can represent a strategic and a subversive response to conventional expectations. For individuals like Alex and Jordan, choosing paths that deviate from these societal norms is not an indication of failure but a form of liberation and personal authenticity.
In Alex and Jordan’s life, “queer failure” is exemplified through their rejection of the nuclear family ideal. Instead of striving for a ‘typical’ family structure with biological children, they have formed a chosen family rich in diversity and mutual support. This choice reflects a deliberate departure from the expectation to replicate traditional familial models, which often don’t accommodate or recognize the varied relationship dynamics and networks prevalent in many queer communities.
Another example of “queer failure” in their community is the fluidity in their career paths and personal endeavors. Jordan, for instance, has shifted from a high-paced tech job to freelance writing, prioritizing personal fulfillment and community involvement over corporate success. This move, often viewed by mainstream society as a step back professionally, represents a profound alignment with Jordan’s values and a broader definition of success that celebrates personal happiness and communal well-being.
Furthermore, their approach to relationships within the household underscores this concept. Relationships in their chosen family are not defined by legal ties or blood relations but by deep emotional connections and mutual care. This structure challenges the conventional success markers of marriage and parenthood by showing that family can be based on choice and the quality of relationships rather than societal validation.
Gaga Feminism and Ubuntu: Embracing Fluidity and Performance in Relationships
Gaga feminism, inspired by the performative and boundary-defying persona of Lady Gaga, embraces a fluidity of identity and role-play within everyday interactions. In Alex and Jordan’s chosen family, this approach to gender and identity is not just theoretical but a daily practice that enriches their communal life.
For instance, in their household, traditional gender roles are not just subverted but playfully remixed. Sam, who identifies as non-binary, often takes the lead in organizing household repairs and maintenance — a role traditionally seen as masculine. Meanwhile, Alex, who identifies as male, is passionate about baking and frequently orchestrates elaborate baking sessions on weekends, challenging the conventional gender norm associated with cooking.
The roles within a household are not limited to just daily chores but also extend to emotional and support roles. Mara, the most reserved person in the group, may sometimes emerge as a mediator during conflicts, showcasing a leadership style that is compassionate and inclusive. This fluidity allows each member to express and develop different aspects of their personalities, thereby contributing to their personal growth and fostering deeper interpersonal connections.
Performance in their identities is also a significant aspect of how they interact with the broader community. During local LGBTQ+ events, the household members often engage in thematic dress-ups that challenge and play with gender expressions — ranging from high drag to gender-neutral attire — making a statement about the fluid nature of identity and the performative nature of all gender expressions.
These instances of role fluidity and identity performance challenge traditional norms and foster a culture of acceptance and creativity within the household. By embracing Gaga feminism, they create a dynamic environment where personal growth is supported by the freedom to explore and express multiple facets of their identity. This approach not only strengthens their bonds but also serves as a model of living that respects individual uniqueness while fostering a sense of community and belonging
In adopting the worldview of Ubuntu, Alex and Jordan are acutely aware of its traditional masculine and patriarchal dimensions. To counteract these and create a more inclusive environment, they have implemented several deliberate strategies that foster gender equality and celebrate diverse identities.
1. Redefining Leadership and Authority: Leadership is often male-dominated in many traditional settings influenced by patriarchal values. In their household, leadership roles are fluid and shared among all members, regardless of gender or identity. Decision-making is conducted democratically, and everyone has an equal say in household matters, from financial decisions to daily routines. This practice challenges patriarchal norms and empowers each individual, reinforcing the Ubuntu principle that everyone’s voice is valuable.
2. Inclusive Rituals and Practices: Rituals and daily practices are consciously designed to be gender-neutral and inclusive. For instance, they have reimagined rituals such as the Ubuntu Greeting to ensure they are not only gender-neutral but also affirming of all identities. This includes the introduction of non-gendered language and creating space for everyone to express their identity freely during these rituals.
3. Education and Dialogue: Understanding that change begins with awareness, Alex, Jordan, and their community regularly engage in educational sessions where they discuss topics related to gender, patriarchy, and inclusivity. These sessions help in unpacking the layers of traditional Ubuntu that may perpetuate gender stereotypes and explore ways to practice Ubuntu that align with their values of equality and respect for all identities.
4. Supporting External Communities: Their commitment to reshaping Ubuntu extends beyond their home. They actively participate in community outreach programs that focus on gender equality and LGBTQ+ rights, applying the principles of Ubuntu to support and uplift other marginalized individuals and groups. This not only challenges the broader societal norms but also solidifies their internal practices of inclusivity.
5. Reflective Practices: Regular reflection sessions are held where members discuss how well they are adhering to their inclusive values and what challenges they face in deconstructing patriarchal norms. These reflections help continuously evolve their practices and ensure they remain true to the ethos of equality and mutual respect.
Conclusion: Rethinking What Intimacy Means
In the story of Alex, Jordan, and their chosen family, we witness a profound reimagining of what it means to be connected, to belong, and to thrive within a community. Their lives challenge us to reconsider the boundaries of family and the very essence of support and love. As we draw inspiration from their experiences, we are invited to admire their way of living and actively engage with them in our own lives.
Call to Action:
Consider how the principles of Ubuntu and Gaga feminism might transform your own relationships and community interactions. How can you foster a more inclusive, supportive, and interconnected environment in your world? Are there practices or rituals from Alex and Jordan’s life that you could adapt to strengthen your community bonds and embrace a broader definition of family?
Questions for Reflection:
- In what ways do you currently support inclusivity and diversity within your circle?
- How might adopting a more fluid approach to identity and roles, as suggested by Gaga feminism, enhance your relationships?
- What steps can you take to ensure that everyone in your community feels valued and heard, reinforcing the Ubuntu philosophy that “I am because we are”?
By pondering these questions and considering how you might incorporate these philosophies into your daily life, you contribute to a ripple effect of change. Each small action or adjustment in our attitudes and behaviors can lead to larger shifts in how we understand and support each other.
Inspiring Change:
Let Alex and Jordan’s story be more than a narrative; let it be a call to action. As you move through your world, think of ways you can bring elements of Ubuntu and Gaga feminism into your interactions. Perhaps, like them, you can redefine what it means to be successful, what it means to be a family, and ultimately, what it means to be human.
Together, through small changes and new practices, we can build communities that are not only resilient but also deeply connected by the shared values of respect, dignity, and mutual care. Let us challenge the norms, embrace the unconventional, and celebrate the beauty of our diverse identities. In doing so, we not only enhance our own lives but also pave the way for a more inclusive and empathetic world.
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