Navigating the Waters of Undiagnosed Autism: My Journey Toward Self-Understanding

A Moment of Isolation and Insight

As I sit down to write this post, I’m reminded of the gentle yet relentless waves of the ocean — constantly moving, reshaping, and often overwhelming. This is how I often feel in social situations: like a solitary boat in a vast sea, navigating waves of social cues and interactions that don’t always make sense to me.

Last year, at a crowded birthday party, I found myself fixating on the flickering fairy lights, unable to engage with the laughter and chatter around me. It was one of those many moments that highlighted just how differently I process the world — a realization that can both isolate and enlighten (at times).

For years now, I’ve grappled with the feeling that something about me and the way I interact with the world is different. Social gatherings can be exhausting; maintaining eye contact is an impossible, awkward task; and my passions, like the works of Sylvia Plath, consume me to the extent that I can talk for hours on end, often not noticing the disinterest of others. Sounds, especially loud, repetitive, or sudden ones, pull me out of my comfort zone, pushing me to retreat into the safety of headphones and familiar music — or, rather, three songs on repeat.

… I’m downplaying here; I can run with scissors- scissors of my own “pathology”.